For years, I repeated words over myself that I thought were helping me heal.
Anxious attachment. Codependent. ADHD. RSD.
But I’ve realized something: every time I spoke those words, I was giving instructions to my subconscious mind. And the subconscious never argues. It doesn’t ask, “Wait, is that label true? Is this who you want to be?”
It simply accepts. Oh, that’s who she is? Got it. Let’s keep proving that right.
And suddenly, my Reticular Activating System (the brain’s filter for what we notice) was locked on to evidence of my “brokenness.” Of painful symptoms.
Not anymore.
Labels Are Not Love
The truth is, labeling myself kept me stuck. It pathologized me, kept me in cycles of fixing, managing, and overanalyzing instead of creating.
I don’t want to curse myself with words that tell my brain what to look for. I don’t want to identify as a disorder or deficit.
Because my subconscious is always listening. And it’s always obeying.
How did I forget this when I’ve researched the subconscious mind for decades??
Because we all have blindspots. And the internal dialogue (inner critic) is pretty believable.
What I Choose Instead
I choose to notice my patterns of behavior—not as an identity, but as feedback. Some patterns haven’t given me the results I want. That’s all.
Now, I choose to work with my brain and subconscious, instead of against it. I choose to give it instructions that lead me toward the life and love I want.
My RAS now gets to focus on…
✨ Love
✨ Connection
✨ Slowness
✨ Self-respect
✨ Independence with interdependence
✨ Safety in my own body, even when I’m single
✨ Awareness when a man pulls me out of that safe zone
A Strategy That Works
This isn’t about denying pain or pretending patterns don’t exist. It’s about choosing a strategy that actually works.
Because fear doesn’t create love.
Fixing doesn’t create safety.
And labels don’t create freedom.
Opening my heart, removing the subconscious blocks, and practicing self-trust—that’s what creates love.
Because love can only come from love.
The reality is I wasn’t taught or modeled unconditional love as a child. No judgement to my wonderful parents. And the lack of unconditional love taught me that love WAS conditional. That it was earned. It modeled the “if I….then I will get….”. And it’s a vicious cycle. One that teaches your brain to work for love.
And when it comes to women and men, it’s the complete opposite strategy needed to attract, choose and keep an emotionally available man.
So I paid with hundreds and hundreds of hours spent reading and researching love and attachment. I paid with my energy and overthinking concepts and frameworks. I paid with time spent on men and relationships that failed one by one.
I was angry and cried so many times when I learned all my “love problems” stemmed from the absence of unconditional love as a child. Thank God I’ve forgiven my sweet parents because I know a parent would never purposely not love their baby. More than likely they experienced the same type of neglect I had. So my heart is more compassionate and empathetic than anything.
So yes, some of us have to “pay” to learn how to love and be loved. But better that then be isolated and cynical my whole life.
It’s a small price to pay to experience God’s innate trait and be able to allow others to feel it here on earth.
Final Thought
My love life will no longer be a reflection of fear, pathology, or brokenness.
It will reflect what I choose to focus on: love, safety, and connection.
And that’s not about calling myself “anxious.”
That’s about calling myself whole and a creator.
Because that is what I am since I’m made in God’s image.
I can choose to create love at any moment. It is a choice ultimately.
One that I will continue to opt for.
Anabell
