How Being Guarded Pushes Good Men Away

Have you ever caught yourself on a date, scanning for red flags before the first drink even hits the table? It’s like walking through airport security with your emotional metal detector turned up to max, beeping at every tiny movement he makes. You notice if he checks his phone, if he compliments you too soon, or if he takes too long to reply after. You tell yourself you’re just being smart, protecting your heart, avoiding disappointment or wasting your time. But being overly guarded doesn’t protect you. It actually shapes your reality to confirm your fears. It doesn’t get you closer to Mr. Right, it attracts tons of Mr. Wrongs.

This is what Steve Andreas described as the “Not-Self” phenomenon. When your mind focuses on what you don’t want — men who lie, cheat, withdraw, play games — your subconscious becomes a radar for exactly that. It’s like setting your internal search filter to “show me everything that’s wrong” and then wondering why you can’t see what’s right. Your brain filters your experience to match your focus, constantly scanning for proof that confirms your expectations. So instead of seeing men who are kind, grounded, or emotionally available, you only notice the ones who match your fear story.

It’s not because good men aren’t out there. It’s because your nervous system is tuned to avoid danger, not to connect. Imagine your system like a GPS that only understands “not south.” it has no clear destination, so it keeps circling the same danger zones instead of driving toward what you actually want. You’re trying to prevent hurt, but your focus on potential pain trains your energy and perception to look for it everywhere. And the irony? Men feel that guarded energy. They sense when they’re being tested or measured. It’s like showing up to an interview where you already suspect the job is terrible. There’s no room for genuine connection to grow.

The shift starts with awareness. When you stop asking “Is this man safe?” and instead start asking, “What does safety feel like in me?” everything changes. You begin signaling curiosity, warmth, and presence instead of defense and distrust. You start attracting from a place of compatibility, not fear.

The Other Side of Guardedness: When You Doubt Yourself

Guardedness doesn’t always look like scanning him. Sometimes, and often always with my clients, it looks like scanning yourself. Instead of walking into a date like a woman meeting an equal, you walk in like you’re at an audition, hoping you’ll “get the part.”

It’s questioning your worth, second-guessing what you said on the date, trying to curate your personality, or rushing to fit what you think he wants. You start wondering:

• Did I talk too much?
• Was I too opinionated?
• Does my lifestyle seem intimidating?
• Am I enough? Too much?

This kind of guardedness hides behind “perfection.” Instead of avoiding red flags in him, you’re managing the red flags you imagine exist in you. It’s like endlessly editing your “profile” in your head, trying to be the most polished, likable version, instead of showing up as the real you. Both patterns come from fear — fear of rejection, fear of being “too real,” fear of not being wanted for who you actually are.

And while one version is defending against him, the other is defending yourself from him. In both cases, you’re not connecting. You’re protecting.

The problem isn’t dating. It’s the internal structure you start from. If either of you is the “problem,” your subconscious labels the situation as unsafe, and safety is the first ingredient for connection. So while your mouth says, “I want love,” your energy whispers, “But it’s dangerous.” Your body contracts, your tone shifts, and your ability to be experienced by him, to let him know you and feel you, disappears.

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Red Flag Thinking Is Often Projection

Here’s the part almost no one talks about: when you live in “red flag” mode, you’re usually not just seeing his flaws. You’re seeing your own insecurities projected onto him. The “not-self” doesn’t just look for what’s wrong out there; it uses other people as a mirror for what you secretly fear is wrong in you.

This is why internal identity work and self-esteem building are the number one things to focus on if you want healthy love. When your sense of self is stable, confident, consistent, and emotionally regulated, you stop collapsing every time someone doesn’t text back, chooses differently, or has an opinion that isn’t yours. You stay steady and grounded, like a deeply rooted tree: no matter the storm — wind, rain, even an emotional “earthquake” — you can still see clearly.

An open heart toward yourself gives you clear, open eyes toward other people. 

When you like and trust who you are, you don’t need to twist a man into who you want him to be, who you’re afraid he might be, or who your past and insecurities say he is. You see him as he actually is. You stop turning every neutral behavior into a catastrophe and every unknown into a red flag.

In this work, identity is everything. Relationship prep is not just “finding the right guy”; it’s becoming the woman who can recognize and receive him. 

I believe every healthy relationship has three parts:

• You.
• Him.
• The relationship itself.

Your side of that triangle is your responsibility. When your internal system — your self-identity — is strong, stable, and open, you naturally move from protecting yourself from men to connecting with the right men. You become available and visible to emotionally available, marriage-minded men who genuinely love and respect women. These are the men with whom you can finally create a relationship where you feel cherished, chosen, and emotionally safe every single day.

Letting Go of Defense Doesn’t Make You Weak

Before going any further, let’s clear up one fear your brain might be whispering right now:

“If I stop being so guarded, I’m going to get hurt.”
“If I stop watching for red flags, I’ll look dumb or naive.”
“If I soften, men will take advantage of me.”

That fear is understandable — especially if you’ve been through heartbreak, betrayal, or disappointment. Your nervous system learned that protection equals safety. But here’s the truth: dropping defensive behavior is not the same as dropping discernment.

You’re not losing your standards. You’re losing the constant fight mode that keeps you tense, exhausted, and closed.

What Actually Gets Stronger

When you stop dating from defense and start dating from availability, you become more powerful, not less:

• You’re focused on what you want, not on what you’re afraid of.
• You’re anchored in who you truly are, not in who you’re trying to perform as.
• You’re oriented toward the benefits of healthy partnership and marriage, not the potential downsides.

This shifts your internal question from:

• “How do I avoid getting hurt?”
  to:
• “How do I create what I deeply desire?”

One keeps you spinning in fear. The other moves you toward your future.

Open, Not Exposed

Being less guarded does not mean:

• Ignoring obvious bad behavior.
• Staying when someone shows you they’re not safe.
• Pretending red flags don’t exist.

It means:

• You stay grounded and clear instead of hypervigilant.
• You trust yourself to walk away when something is truly misaligned.
• You let good, emotionally available men actually know and feel who you are.

You’re not standing in the middle of the storm with no coat. You’re the rooted tree: strong, flexible, deeply anchored, able to bend without breaking.

When you orient your focus toward:

• The kind of love you want.
• The kind of partner you are becoming.
• The kind of marriage and life you’re building.

…you stop unconsciously attracting what you don’t want and start powerfully creating what you do.

You are not losing protection. You’re upgrading it from anxious defense to calm, embodied discernment.

The cost of Defensive Dating

When you keep dating on defense, the outcome is painfully predictable: you will continue to attract the very men you’re afraid of and repel the ones you actually want. Guarded energy is a magnet for emotionally unavailable, avoidant, or inconsistent partners because it keeps you locked in the same familiar pattern of fear, testing, and distrust. Left unchecked, red flag thinking doesn’t just protect you from pain — it quietly protects you from love, connection, and the possibility of being truly cherished, chosen, and emotionally safe with a good man.

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Your Next Step, my free guide, Stop Dating on Defense: The First Step to Attracting Emotionally Available Men

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re doing “all the work” but still attracting emotionally unavailable men, or you feel like you’re either overanalyzing or over-performing on every date, it’s time to change the internal identity structure and not just the external dating strategy.

That’s exactly what my free guide is designed to help you do. In my free guide, Stop Dating on Defense: Exactly how to stop defensive dating patterns so you can go from protecting yourself from him to deeply connecting to him, I’m showing you exactly how to undo this, how to quiet the overanalyzing part of your mind, release the hypervigilance, and start seeing good men again EVERYWHERE YOU GO.  Because the truth is: you don’t attract what you want. You attract what your nervous system believes is out there.

In this free guide, you’ll learn how to:

• Turn down the internal “red flag scanner” so you stop scaring yourself out of connection.
• Shift out of problem-thinking (“He’s the problem” or “I’m the problem”) and into possibility-thinking.
• Build the kind of identity and energy that makes emotionally available, commitment-minded men see you and pursue you.

If you’re ready to stop protecting and start truly connecting, this guide is your first step. Click here to download it.