Dating isn’t a relationship strategy.

Dating more doesn’t create a relationship. 

Relationships are created when you’re visible and emotionally available so real connection can  actually happen on the date.

Most women think they’re going in open.
But the strategy they’re unconsciously using is what I call “defensive dating.”

They’re in their head.
Monitoring. Evaluating. Withholding. Managing the outcome.
Trying to calm their nerves or protect themselves.

That doesn’t create connection.
It creates attachment.

Attachment is like grabbing onto a man’s ankle as he walks by.
There’s intensity, urgency, and obsession.
But there’s no meeting.

Connection is both of you being there willingly, sitting back, relaxed, present so you can actually feel and learn from each other.

So he can experience you, not your strategy.
So you can experience him, not your fear.

Connection is spacious. It’s open. It’s available.
It’s curious.
It’s alive in the moment, not managing the future.

And that creates attraction that deepens instead of anxiety that attaches.

Not a surface level situationship. But a deeply connected relationship 

When and how did you learn to date defensively? 

Defensive dating didn’t start because you did something wrong.
It started because you did something right.

It often begins after you’ve done the healing work.

Therapy.
Attachment work.
Learning your patterns.
Understanding emotionally unavailable men.
Breaking anxious or avoidant behaviors.
Becoming more self aware, more regulated, more intentional.

That phase of your life required you to look backward.

You had to examine what happened.
Why it hurt.
What you tolerated.
What you overgave.
What you missed.
What kind of men you chose and why.

That backward orientation was necessary.
It helped you reclaim your power.
It helped you stop repeating the same painful cycles.

But here’s where most women unknowingly get stuck.

After healing, your focus quietly shifts from connection to prevention.

You become very focused on yourself and what not to do.
You become very focused on men and who not to choose.
You become vigilant about red flags, boundaries, pacing, and control.

And somewhere along the way, your healed heart becomes guarded.

Not closed.
Not cold.
Just protected.

It’s like walking into dating with full armor on.
A shield in one hand.
A sword in the other.

You want to be seen for who you really are.
You want deep love, safety, devotion, and respect.

But you’re no longer accessible.

Men can’t feel you.
They can’t experience you.
They can’t relax into you.

And from the inside, this feels confusing because you genuinely believe you’re open.

You are emotionally available.
You know what you want.
You’ve done the work.

But openness isn’t just a mindset or a decision.
It’s an energetic and nervous system state created by your subconscious beliefs.

When you’re dating from protection, your body is still braced.
Still monitoring.
Still evaluating.
Still managing the outcome.

So instead of presence, there’s tension.
Instead of warmth, there’s distance.
Instead of curiosity, there’s assessment.

You’re in your head, not in your heart.

It’s an internal heart posture, external felt energy and set of behaviors he notices, feels and confuses him. 

This is defensive dating.

And it doesn’t mean you’re not ready. In fact, I believe you are a relationship’s best kept secret. And you know this too. 

It just means you’ve outgrown your old strategy.

Healing teaches you how to stop hurting yourself.
It doesn’t teach you how to let yourself be felt again.

Connection and presence with a man require a new focus.

One that isn’t backward looking.
One that isn’t fear based.
One that isn’t about guarding your healed whole heart.

You need an actual connection strategy that makes you present, not defensive. One that makes you available and visible to emotionally available men that love to love women and are marriage-minded. 

It’s about learning how to bring that healed heart forward.
Without armor.
Without performance.
Without defense.

If this resonated but part of you is confused because you’ve already done the healing work, you’re not missing anything.

Healing explains the pattern.

It almost never undos the behavior.

Tomorrow, I’ll show you how healing can unintentionally turn into protection, and why that’s where most women get stuck after doing “everything right.”