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Most women think their dating patterns are bad luck, bad timing, or a reflection of the “kind of men out there.” But sometimes the truth is far more intimate.
The pattern is not in the men. It is in the identity we bring to them.
I recently worked with a client who had a painful realization.
She was in a relationship with a man she liked a lot. She’s been with him for 11 months and was very attracted to him too. But instead of feeling courted, cherished, or chosen, she felt something unsettlingly familiar.
She was doing everything again.
Planning. Paying. Picking up the slack.
Pleasing. Performing. Impressing.
Convincing herself he had a lot of “potential.”
Staying quiet about her preferences.
Doing the emotional labor.
Making things easy for him to be with her.
She told me, “I feel like I’m dating the same man in a different body. And somehow, I’m the one doing all the work again.” She realized this when yet again he deferred to her to make their weekend plans. At first she was enamored by his “compromise.” He let HER choose what SHE wanted.
As time went on, he always wanted to spend the night at her home and she covered most of the expenses involved in full weekends being spent at her “cute condo.”
At first she thought of it as a benefit that he drove to her home. But when he constantly commented on the fact that she was “so nurturing, giving and attentive” she resented his “compliment” because it didn’t align with how she wanted to be seen in a romantic relationship. Especially at this time in her life.
She was in her mid 40’s, divorced, a busy executive and a mother of two teenage daughters. After years of doing therapy, understanding her trauma and triggers and deciding that she never wanted to date men that she had to lead, she knew she was ready to start receiving and being in her “feminine.” But after the honeymoon was over, this relationship did not feel like feminine receiving at all.
She was tired, frustrated and was in tears on our consultation call.
This is the moment where many women spiral into shame or self-blame.
But I let her know that her relationship pattern wasn’t a character flaw. It was simply the identity she had practiced for most of her life.
And that identity was attracting, enabling, and normalizing exactly the kind of man she no longer wanted.
The Pattern Beneath Her Pattern
Before our work together, she believed she was “the strong one,” the responsible one, the woman who could carry a relationship on her back.
She prided herself on giving. On being generous. On being accommodating.
What she didn’t see yet was that she had learned to earn love instead of receiving it.
And when a woman believes she must earn love she naturally attracts men who require earning.
Men who take more than they give.
Men who sit back and let you lead.
Men who drain instead of contribute.
Men who enjoy the benefits of your effort without offering anything substantial in return.
It wasn’t about femininity or masculinity.
It was about identity.
Specifically, an identity built on over-functioning. An identity built on working hard in order to be worthy of love.
Session 1: Removing the Identity That Earns Love
Our first session was dedicated to releasing the deeper “not-self” patterns she learned as a girl:
“I have to work for connection.”
“I need to take care of people.”
“I shouldn’t ask for anything.”
“If I don’t give, I’ll be abandoned.”
“If I don’t go first, he won’t follow.”
These weren’t thoughts. They were the internal rules shaping her behavior and her love blueprint.
Once she saw that this wasn’t her, it was conditioning, she felt an immediate sense of relief.
The pressure to perform softened.
Her nervous system could finally breathe.
Session 2: Installing the Identity of a High-Caliber Woman Who Knows How To Receive
This was the breakthrough.
We installed a new identity that sounded like:
“I am a woman who is already chosen.”
“I am pursued, provided for, and valued.”
“I follow his leadership because I only choose men I respect and who can lead.”
“My presence is enough. I don’t have to impress or perform.”
“I allow men to add value to my life.”
This identity created an instant shift.
She felt softer, calmer, more anchored, more honest.
She no longer felt pressure to impress a man or carry the relationship.
She felt like she could simply be.
Sessions 3-10: Rebuilding Her Sense of Worth in Relationships
Next, we strengthened the qualities that had been fragile or inconsistent for her:
- Discernment
- Patience
- Honesty
- Self-honoring
- Emotional openness
- Receptivity
- Vulnerability
- Authenticity
- Lovability
- Self accepting/Self-Approval
These qualities existed inside her, but they collapsed around men she liked.
We made them stable, automatic, and dependable.
She said, “For the first time, it feels real. Like it lives in me instead of something I have to try to remember.”
Session 11: Releasing Her Old Attraction Pattern
This was crucial.
She had strong chemistry with men who needed help.
Men who were financially unstable.
Men who couldn’t lead.
Men who weren’t ready for a relationship (at least not the type of relationship she wanted.)
We released the emotional imprints that made these men feel familiar, exciting, and “her type.” Yes. These men were her “subconscious type” and undoing this was essential.
The attraction she had to underfunctioning men dissolved.
It didn’t stop abruptly. It faded.
Quietly. Naturally. Permanently.
She said, “It’s strange, I don’t even want the men I used to be drawn to. It feels like my body is choosing differently.”
This is the power of identity-level work. Effortless change with no willpower, discipline or faking it till you make it needed. No “delusional” manifesting.
Session 12: Rewriting the Origin Story
We revisited three key memories from her past, where she first learned to earn love.
We resourced the younger version of her with safety, protection, dignity, and worth.
By upgrading the memory, we upgraded the woman she became.
A woman who receives.
A woman who rests.
A woman who expects reciprocity and partnership.
A woman who chooses differently without needing to try.
Yes, you can change the past. It’s not magic. It’s memory re-imprinting. And when you change the past, everything after it changes too.
The Outcome
A few weeks later, she sent me a message sharing something remarkable:
“He’s stepping up in ways I’ve never seen before. He’s planning. He’s paying. He’s pursuing me like it’s the first date. And I’m not doing anything. I feel so taken care of.”
You need to understand this because it’s crucial:
She didn’t teach him how to be a man.
She didn’t manipulate him.
She didn’t read a script or follow a dating rule. She didn’t give him an ultimatum.
She simply stopped being the woman who over-functioned.
And he naturally responded.
Because emotionally available, high-quality, masculine men flourish when a woman lets herself receive. And you can only receive when you believe you’re the kind of woman who always receives from men.
Lazy little boys disappear when there is nothing to take advantage of.
Why This Matters for You
Creating a strong self identity isn’t about changing men.
It’s about changing the way you see yourself.
When you transform the way you see yourself, when you commit to a new standard of love because that’s who you are now, something profound happens.
The right men don’t see you as work.
They don’t calculate the cost.
You don’t look “high maintenance” or intimidating.
That’s the language of insecure men who expect women to mother them, fix them, guide them, or carry them.
Why? Because they DO NOT have the identity of masculine leaders that take care of women. They don’t see themselves as loving caretakers and generous providers.
Lazy little boys want women who behave like coaches, caretakers, and emotional supervisors.
And of course you’ve done that role well.
You do it in your career. You do it in leadership. If you have children, you do it amazingly as a mother. You get things done. You solve problems. You hold people up.
But that identity has no place in your love life.
If it you don’t release that identity from your relationships with men, you’ll continue to attract, enable and settle for lazy little boys in adult men’s bodies. They’ll see you as the jackpot. But not for the reasons you desire.
When your inner identity shifts, the entire landscape of your romantic life shifts with it.
High-quality, emotionally available men see the effort it takes to have you as an investment, not a burden.
They see the work required to pursue you as a privilege, not a difficult high price to pay. .
Think of it like this. Ferraris are high maintenance, but they are also high performance. Only certain men want that kind of machinery. They want it because they are capable of maintaining it, because they see themselves as men of quality, and because they value what is rare.
I am not saying you are a car.
I am saying you carry worth beyond measure.
Your presence is priceless.
And the men who are aligned with you, the ones who are ready, the ones who are emotionally available and capable, see it instantly.
But they can only see it when you see it first.
And when you change your identity in relationships, it changes the men who notice you, the men who pursue you, and it naturally repels the tire-kicking little boys who are looking for a discount, and a mommy, not a partner.
If you want to start upgrading your identity too, I created a free PDF that outlines The Elements of a Strong Self Identity. Click here to get the free guide.
If you’re a woman who knows she is meant for more, who has already proven her capability, and who wants the internal solidity to match the life she’s creating… The Identity Reset guide explains exactly how to work with me. Click here to download the free guide.
I only work with 40 women a year. Will you be one of them? Click here to learn more.
