If you’re new here, yesterday’s post matters. (click here to read, “Dating is not a relationship strategy”)

I shared why dating alone doesn’t create relationships, connection does. And if connection hasn’t been happening, it’s usually because protection has been your unconscious strategy.  

Most smart, strong, successful women aren’t getting the relationship they want because they’re protecting instead of connecting.

Today we’re naming the pattern that explains why. So buckle up sweetie.

Are you “defensive dating”?

All the healing work you invested in didn’t undo insecure dating behavior.

In fact, it turned control into defensive “boundaries.”

Healing helps you understand why you learned to work for love.
It doesn’t automatically undo the behavior of working for love.

So many strong, smart, successful women leave therapy, attachment work, and self development feeling clearer, healthier, and more self aware.

But you’re still dating like love has to be earned.

Just more subtly now.

Here’s why defensive dating is a horrible approach. Defensive dating convinces you that you need to be perfect.
That he needs to be perfect.
That you should protect yourself.
That you should present your best self.

That you should show him your value, your intelligence, your independence, your emotional growth as soon as possible.

You’re not doing this because you’re insecure.
You’re doing it because it once worked.

As a little girl, love came through being good, capable, helpful, impressive, or low maintenance.
You learned that effort created safety.
Performance created closeness.
Control created belonging.

The healing work helped you see that pattern.
But it didn’t dissolve the reflex.

So on dates, you’re still pushing.
Still pursuing.
Still managing.
Still protecting.
Still perfecting.

Just with better language and better boundaries.

But here’s what I want you to really get.

Love doesn’t need earning.
It never did.

A man’s love responds to being, not doing.

This is why being present feels so uncomfortable for high-achieving, smart strong women.

The “doing” approach that makes you successful in business, leadership, parenting and life doesn’t work in romantic polarity.

Emotionally mature, marriage minded men who want to love you don’t want to compete with you.

They don’t need to be assessed. They know who they are.
They don’t want to be matched energy for energy. They want an emotionally mature equal.

They want to pursue.
They want to protect.
They want to provide.

They want to feel needed in a way that doesn’t come from dependency. 

He doesn’t want a child. He wants a partner.

When you lead with performance, you remove that role.
When you lead with protection, you keep him out.
When you lead with perfection, you keep both of you in your heads.

So instead of polarity, there’s sameness.
Instead of attraction, there’s tension.
Instead of connection, there’s effort.

Presence changes everything.

Presence means you’re emotionally available.

Your heart is open.
You’re not strategizing.
You’re not performing.
You’re not earning love.

You’re here.

Out of your head.
Into your heart.

When your guard drops, his does too.
When your heart opens, his responds.

When you stop withholding, connection becomes possible.

When you stay in your head, analyzing, overthinking… he stays in his.
When you protect yourself, he keeps distance because he respects you and your fear.
When you perform, he observes instead of engages.

Not because he’s avoidant.
But because you’re unavailable. 

There’s nothing to connect to.

Presence is what makes you visible to the men you want.
Availability is what lets you see who can actually meet you.

Defensive dating doesn’t just protect you.
It quietly repels the men you actually want.

Emotionally available, marriage minded men don’t move toward guarded energy.
They respect it.
And then they keep their distance.

Not because they don’t want love.

Not because they don’t want you. 
But because you’re signaling unavailable.

Tomorrow, I’ll show you how to shift from protection into presence, how to become emotionally visible, and how to send the available signal that emotionally mature men who want partnership are actually looking for.

Stay close. This part changes everything.