Why Defining Yourself by What You’re Not Keeps You Stuck, Anxious, Pulling in Two Directions and Creates The Shadow Identity
Most people think it’s healthy to be very clear about what they’re not.
They don’t want to be needy.
They don’t want to be weak. They don’t wanna be broke or fat.
They don’t want to be like their parents.
They don’t want to repeat past mistakes.
At first, this sounds like self-awareness. Even maturity.
But there’s a hidden cost most people never see.
They’ll also say things like:
“I’m bad at relationships.”
“I’m awkward.”
“I’m not confident.”
At first glance, that sounds like simple self-criticism. But there’s a much deeper, more subtle problem hiding underneath many of these statements.
And it has nothing to do with being flawed.
It has everything to do with how the mind processes negation.
This is what Steve Andreas calls The Not-Self.
What Is Negation
First let’s get clear what negation is. Negation is when we define something by saying what it isn’t instead of what it is.
It usually shows up in language like:
“not”
“don’t”
“never”
“no”
“I’m not the kind of person who…”
So instead of a clear identity statement like:
“I’m calm,”
Negation sounds like:
“I’m not anxious.”
Instead of:
“I’m direct,”
Negation sounds like:
“I’m not a people pleaser.”
And instead of:
“I’m emotionally available,”
Negation sounds like:
“I’m not emotionally unavailable.”
Why Negation Fails at the Mental Level (Before Subconscious)
The Difference Between “I Am” and “I Am Not”
Saying “I’m clumsy” is very different from saying “I’m not graceful.”
They may sound the same in everyday language, but inside the mind, they create completely different experiences.
When someone says “I’m clumsy,” the mind can easily generate images:
Dropping things
Tripping
Knocking things over
That’s concrete. It’s specific. It’s workable.
But when someone says “I’m not graceful,” the mind doesn’t get clear instructions. The unconscious mind can’t represent “not.” So what does it do?
It shows images of grace, and then rejects them.
Or it shows images of clumsiness, and then tries to push them away.
Either way, the mind ends up focused on exactly what the person is trying not to be.
This is where things start to go wrong.
How the Subconscious Actually Works
Why Negation Matters at the Subconscious Level
The subconscious mind doesn’t understand words the way the conscious mind does.
It doesn’t think in language.
It thinks in images, sensations, emotions, and experiences.
Images are the language of the subconscious.
And the subconscious is where your self-identity is stored.
This means your identity isn’t built from what you say you are.
It’s built from what you repeatedly show your subconscious through images.
Every time you describe yourself, think about something, read a book, pull up a past memory or are with someone, your mind automatically generates internal pictures, movies, or sensations to match your words. Those images become instructions.
So when you say:
“I’m confident,”
your subconscious gets images of confidence to organize around.
But when you say:
“I’m not insecure,”
Your subconscious first has to generate images of insecurity in order to know what to avoid.
Even if you consciously reject those images, they still get activated. And activation is attention.
This is why negation is such a problem.
Why the Mind Can’t Work With Negation
Here’s a simple example.
Try not to picture a purple bunny.
Especially not one dancing.
Definitely not one doing somersaults.
You probably saw it anyway.
That’s because the unconscious mind doesn’t respond to negation. It responds to images, sensations, and experiences.
So when someone defines themselves as:
“Not needy”
“Not desperate”
“Not weak”
“Not like other women”
“Not the kind of person who gets hurt”
Their nervous system still has to access the very thing they’re rejecting in order to know what to avoid.
This creates an internal contradiction.
Consciously, they identify with the positive opposite.
Unconsciously, they stay organized around the rejected quality.
That split is the beginning of what Andreas calls the shadow self, or what I call the shadow identity.
How the Not-Self Creates a Shadow Identity
When a quality is rejected, judged, or denied, it doesn’t disappear.
It goes underground.
The conscious mind says:
“I’m not cruel. I’m kind.”
But unconsciously, the mind may still be filled with images of cruelty, harshness, or wrongdoing. Those images don’t feel like “me,” so they get pushed outward.
This is where projection begins. Why? Because we always create what we focus on.
People start noticing the very thing they reject everywhere else:
Cruel people
Selfish people
Emotionally unavailable people
Arrogant people
Lazy people
And often, without realizing it, they feel morally superior to them.
That superiority creates separation.
Separation creates loneliness.
Loneliness creates anxiety and vigilance.
Taken to the extreme, this is the psychological structure behind paranoia.
Not because someone is “bad” or “broken,” but because their identity is built on what they are not, instead of who they actually are.
The Emotional Cost of Living From the Shadow Identity
When someone defines themselves by negation, several things tend to happen:
They feel empty or unclear about who they are
They rely heavily on comparison to others
They feel disconnected, separate, or superior
They’re hyper-focused on what’s wrong “out there”
They struggle with inconsistency between intention and behavior
Inside, there’s no solid sense of self to move toward.
Only a constant effort to move away from what feels unsafe or unacceptable.
That’s not growth. That’s survival.
The Problem With “Don’t Be” Identities
This is why identities built on phrases like:
“Don’t be needy”
“Don’t be emotional”
“Don’t get attached”
“Don’t be weak”
Create so much inner tension.
They tell the conscious mind one thing, and the unconscious mind another.
Over time, people start saying things like:
“I don’t know why I keep doing this.”
“That’s not who I am.”
“I don’t recognize myself in my behavior.”
That’s not self-sabotage.
That’s a divided identity.
Attention Creates Identity
What You Focus On Is What You Create
The subconscious doesn’t distinguish between:
“This is who I am”
“This is who I’m trying not to be”
It only registers what’s being focused on repeatedly.
And what you consistently focus on becomes:
What your nervous system prepares for
What your perception filters for
What your behavior organizes around
What you end up recreating in your life
This is why someone who constantly tells themselves:
“I’m not needy”
“I’m not desperate”
“I’m not like those women”
“I’m not weak”
Often finds themselves feeling needy, desperate, reactive, or defensive anyway.
Not because they failed.
But because their subconscious was given images of exactly those states, over and over again.
The mind moves toward what it can see.
Negation doesn’t give it a destination.
It only gives it something to run from.
Identity Is Formed by Repetition, Not Intention
This is also why good intentions don’t override identity patterns. This is why action, success or material things don’t make you feel successful, pretty, loved or good enough.
You can consciously intend to be calm, secure, open-hearted, or confident.
But if your inner imagery is still organized around:
Avoiding rejection
Avoiding abandonment
Avoiding looking foolish
Avoiding being “too much” or “not enough”
Your identity will continue to be structured around protection, not creation. It will be organized around defense, not offense. Being guarded versus being open-hearted.
The subconscious will faithfully execute whatever identity it’s shown most often.
Not what you want.
Not what you affirm.
But what you rehearse internally.
The Simple, Powerful Fix
Replace Negation With Positive Representation
Here’s the beautiful part.
This problem isn’t hard to fix once you see it.
If someone says:
“I’m not cruel.”
The next question is:
“So what are you?”
Kind.
Gentle.
Considerate.
Warm.
When the mind replaces “not cruel” with images of kindness, the entire system reorganizes.
The behavior changes naturally because the images have changed.
You’re not changing meaning.
You’re changing representation.
And the unconscious learns fast.
When “Not” Can Be Useful
Not all “not-self” experiences are harmful.
There’s an important distinction here.
Thinking:
“I’m not confident yet”
Feels very different from:
“I’ll never be confident.”
When someone believes a quality is possible in the future, the “not yet” creates motivation, curiosity, and growth.
When someone believes a quality is impossible, the same structure creates envy, inferiority, and resignation.
The key variable isn’t the quality.
It’s the expectation of possibility.
A Healthier Way to Relate to Identity
A healthy self-concept has a few defining features:
It’s built from positive representations, not negations
It doesn’t rely on comparison with others
It creates connection, not separation
It gives the nervous system something to move toward
If there are qualities you don’t value, define yourself by what you are, not by what you reject.
If there are qualities you value but don’t yet have, allow them to exist as future possibilities, not permanent exclusions.
And if there are qualities you truly don’t want to develop, simply place your attention on the strengths you already embody.
Big Idea
When you define yourself by what you are not, you are unintentionally training your subconscious to stay oriented toward the very patterns you want to outgrow.
When you define yourself by clear, positive representations of who you are, the system finally has something solid to organize around.
Identity transformation isn’t about fighting old patterns.
It’s about giving the subconscious better images to live from.
The Takeaway
Defining yourself by what you’re not doesn’t protect you.
It fragments you.
It creates internal conflict, unconscious shadow patterns, and emotional confusion that no amount of positive thinking can fix.
Identity transformation doesn’t begin with affirmations.
It begins with clean representations of who you actually are.
When the not-self dissolves, the self doesn’t need defending.
It becomes clear, grounded, and whole.
And from that place, change becomes natural.
If you’re ready to start playing to win in love, the next step is here.
You don’t need more advice.
You need precision.
The Love Identity Assessment is where we look beneath your behaviors and map the identity that’s been running your results in love.
You’ll walk away with clarity, a diagnosis of the exact internal conflicts holding you back, and a roadmap for becoming the woman your future relationship already requires.
If you’re ready for breakthrough instead of repetition, click here to book your Love Identity Assessment now.
