Ever notice how you feel totally calm with the guys you don’t even like…
but turn into a nervous wreck with the ones you actually want?
The moment there’s a real spark — a man you’re attracted to, who seems like he could actually be something — you lose your grip.
You get in your head. You question everything. You feel off.
You start:
- Overthinking what you say
- Worrying if you’re too much or not enough
- Trying to impress him or “act cool” so he doesn’t leave
Meanwhile, with the men who like you — men who are consistent, communicative, and genuinely interested —you either don’t feel it…or you slowly push them away without meaning to.
It doesn’t make logical sense.
But this isn’t about logic.
This is about subconscious safety — and how your inner programming is sabotaging the exact connection you say you want.
Let’s break it down.
When You’re Calm with the Wrong Guy, It’s Not Because He’s Safe.
It’s Because You’re Disconnected.
With the wrong guy, there’s no real emotional risk with him.
You’re not that invested. You’re in control.
You don’t feel nervous because deep down, you know he’s not going to get close —
so your guard stays up and your heart stays protected.
But the moment you meet a man you’re actually attracted to —
someone who’s present, consistent, and clearly interested —
👉 your subconscious goes into overdrive.
Not the kind of panic that makes you shut down.
The kind that makes you perform.
You start doing all the things you think will keep him around:
- Initiating texts
- Leading the conversation
- Offering value, being impressive, being easygoing
- Taking control of the pace so you feel less uncertain
- Basically doing the emotional labor for the relationship
And still… it doesn’t work.
Why?
Because you’re not building connection.
You’re trying to earn love and safety.
This Isn’t About the Guy.
It’s About What Your Body Associates with Love.
You’re not “too much.”
You’re not “not enough.”
You’re just stuck in an old love pattern that says:
- Love means earning attention
- I need to prove my value to be chosen
- If I’m not trying, I’ll be forgotten or left behind
And until that’s reprogrammed, your body will keep reacting — even when your brain knows better.
Secure Men Aren’t Attracted to Performance.
They’re Drawn to Peace.
At first, a secure man may be intrigued by your beauty, your intelligence, or your spark. And why wouldn’t he? You’re a catch.
But when your energy shifts into trying to win him, impress him, or control the pace of connection — he pulls away.
Not because you’re not worthy.
But because to a secure man, that kind of energy feels like pressure.
It signals that you don’t feel safe in yourself — and that makes him feel unsafe with you too.
Here’s what a secure, emotionally available man actually wants:
- A woman who lets him plan the date without micromanaging it
- A woman who replies warmly, without pushing or pursuing
- A woman who isn’t trying to force chemistry or rush connection
- A woman who feels confident — not frantically trying to make him like her
Imagine this:
You’re sitting across from him, smiling, relaxed, just being yourself.
You’re not auditioning.
You’re not overthinking.
You’re not trying to be more desirable.
You’re just enjoying the moment.
That energy is magnetic.
Because it tells a man:
“I like me. I don’t need to earn your love. I’ll let it happen — if it’s right.”
That’s the energy of a woman who feels safe in love. It’s the energy of a woman that loves herself, knows and loves all the different parts of herself, loves connecting with herself and seeing herself, choosing herself …..and thus feels completely comfortable being loved, connecting with and being known and SEEN by a man TOO.
And until your subconscious gets on board with that, you’ll keep chasing men who don’t choose you — and pushing away the ones who would.
You Don’t Need More Dating Advice.
You Need to Rewire What Love Feels Like in Your Body.
You can’t “just relax.”
You can’t “just be confident.”
Because your nervous system is doing its job — trying to protect you from a kind of love it doesn’t yet recognize as safe or normal.
But here’s the good news:
This isn’t your forever.
You can remove the old patterns that make you anxious around the men you want. Around healthy men.
You can remove the subconscious fears that make you believe you have to be in your head, chase or prove yourself for him to like you.
You can create safety internally — so you stop pushing it away externally.
Start Here: Available for Love (Free Private Podcast)
If this post hit home, I made something for you.
Available for Love is my free private podcast series that explains:
- Why emotionally available men don’t stick around — even when there’s a spark
- Why anxious, high-functioning women unknowingly push love away
- And how to rewire your subconscious so you stop spiraling and start receiving
You don’t need to be more chill, more confident, or more strategic.
You just need your body to believe love is safe now.
💌 Click here to listen to the private podcast → Available For Love
Because once you feel emotionally safe and loved internally, love doesn’t feel so hard anymore externally.
