How The Love Hormone Can Help You Or Hurt You.
Oxytocin is the hormone at play within women and men when you two interact by socializing, or looking at each other, holding hands or touching each other. Small bursts of oxytocin are released. Oxytocin levels increase as you two continue to interact by talking, touching and cuddling.
For example, a phone conversation produces a little gust that causes you to want to go on a date. Then you go on a date and get a little more oxytocin, which makes you want to kiss goodnight. Then, you kiss good night and get another heaping gob of feel-good. Big thing to remember: oxytocin can be self-amplifying, that is, it produces a type of positive feedback-loop.
Oxytocin’s amplifying effect causes both your oxytocin levels to increase over time. Oh and I’m not talking a little bit higher. The oxytocin level from being single to being in a relationship is almost doubled! Oxytocin has also been found to increase the desire to make eye contact with your partner which in turn induces the production of dopamine. The two neurotransmitters work together , amplifying each other and intensifying your guys’ connection.
Which comes first probably doesn’t matter. When it comes to dating, it appears they work in tandem and it makes sense. As you get excited to be with someone, you produce dopamine, which causes you to want to be around him, which causes you to produce oxytocin.
The more oxytocin you have, the more you want to be around him, and if that interaction continues to be positive, you produce more dopamine. Eventually the two neurotransmitters build up until you reach a tipping point. On the other side of this neurochemical summit is the exciting sensation of falling in love.
The slow build up of oxytocin is the ideal way to fall in love. However, things don’t always work as we expect. Because oxytocin increases when you’re with your beau, being physically intimate, specifically having sex and having an orgasm, give you a HUGE surge of oxytocin. When you like a man and are producing dopamine, when you introduce sex to the relationship which gives you really big surges of oxytocin build up quickly and you tip over into love.
The interesting thing about the powerful oxytocin is this love inducing hormone, when present, also shuts off your amygdala which acts as your alarm system to alert you of potential threats. It also quiets your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of your brain that allows you to think critically, use information and make decisions. Sure you’re feeling the euphoria of love after sex, but it can make you a little crazy in love.
For example, if you meet a great guy, have a few fun dates in the matter of a few weeks and decide to sleep with him, you’ll more than likely start feeling the lovey dovey feelings come on quickly thereafter.
But because this is the time you should be qualifying him as a potential partner and simply getting to know him, without access to your “judge” (thinking brain) and your “alarm system” (threat detecting amygdala), you’ll miss the red flags and signs of incompatibility because you’re deep in love far too soon.
This is why oxytocin can help you or hurt you. It can assist you with falling in love but hurt you if you fall in love with the “wrong guy” by releasing oxytocin far too soon after having sex early on and avoiding essential data you should be using to qualify him.
I’ve heard this countless times from my clients, you like a guy and want to feel “closer” to him so you have sex in an attempt to show him how you feel. But instead, oxytocin soars and because you’re now in love, you can easily miss the alcohol drinking problem he has, the wandering eye that shows up when he’s around any other woman and the lack of communication skills he’s managed to get by with.
Now you’re stuck in a relationship with a man you normally would never have consciously chosen had you been fully present and aware with all your mental faculties on board. Plus being in love can make you extra needy and because you got there way sooner than him, he’ll feel pressured by your extra dose of needs which can overwhelm him and repel him rather than attract him.
Your “judge” and “alarm system” are essential in choosing a healthy partner and having sex too soon will cloud your judgment and suppress your internal intuition.
Avoid settling for the wrong man by waiting to be physically intimate until you’re in a committed relationship or until marriage. This allows you to avoid the mental fog of falling in love way too early that can cloud your ability to make one of the most important decisions of your life, partner selection.
Plus since it typically takes men a little longer to fall in love, when you do finally have sex, you’ll get that oxytocin surge and you’ll both be falling in love together.
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